Saturday, September 17, 2011

Endings….and Beginnings. And Waking. And An Update: Between the Shadows

Well, it’s been more than a year since my last post, and nearly two years since I posted anything meaningful.

A lot has happened in two years. Many endings, a long stretch of blankness, and now a few beginnings to wake me up and help me get moving again.

Hard endings. The death of a close family member, expected but nonetheless difficult. Realizing that my family, for the most part, seems to be from another planet, and that if we met at a party, we wouldn’t like each other. Death of a beloved friend, talented and loving, who died far too young and left many broken hearts behind. The end of any youth in me. Loss of a treasured, once-in-a-lifetime part-time job, which meant more than money to me. K and E in hiatus, or more, which saddens me deeply. K off to college, leaving an ache, an ache.

The long stretch of blankness. Not sleeping. Not really working. Trying to ignore, but having to deal with, the toxic trio that chewed up a worthwhile non-profit board and spit it out in little pieces and hurt everyone along the way and by the way, what good did they do? Not writing. Piles of paper, unanswered phones. Re-reading books and books and books that I’ve read dozens of times, just to keep my mind alive when I couldn’t really do anything else. Unable to communicate clearly with anyone, much as in a nightmare where you open your mouth and nothing comes out. Waiting. Not playing the piano because how could I, anyway? Birding, which doesn’t take much effort except looking. Avoiding. Finally coming to the end of it, but it’s always there, isn’t it?

Beginnings. France, a welcomed respite of beauty and inspiration, all the better since it was on the other side of the ocean. Asked to take on the leadership of the broken board, and finally feeling able to do something meaningful. Working again, plenty of work, of the sort I can do well. K off to her first-choice college (yes the ache), thriving socially and finally living the intellectual life for which she has yearned. D riding strongly and still loving me. Trying to write again.


Update, New Year's Day, 2013.

I'll bury this here; it has to be added to this post, but I don't want to lead with it in the new year. How I wish I had posted it yesterday, the last day of 2012, so that it would have flipped back into a December 2012 list...

Again the long drought, the barren landscape, the darkness. The effort to wake up, to look for light instead of subsiding into shadow.

Burdens of effort.

I'm hoping that writing a bit now and again, or at least posting some photos (I see much, whatever the state of my mind), I can wake up.

Happy New Year.


  1. Welcome back to the blogosphere, Sarah. I look forward to your posts--from France!

    (. . . and regarding other things your post, I hear you. Getting out of "the funk" is the hardest part. Once you get out, "it" isn't there if you keep ahead of "it.")

  2. Hi Elaine,

    Thanks for your kind words. Your blog has been one of my important connections....I've posted there sometimes Anonymously....

    Life is a process. But some parts of it are difficult and unpleasant.

    France was July...I will post some memories, and photos. :-)

    We listened to Beethoven's 7th last night...Listening to that amazing final movement, I was reminded that Beethoven, unhappy as he was for so much of his life, nonetheless found that ecstast within himself, and gave it to us.


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